Friday, June 1, 2012

A Daughter

I know I should be sleeping but I find that sleep won't come until I get this off my chest.  No one is awake to talk to so I will type.  Today I found out that we lost a little girl... a daughter.  And while the entire rest of the phone call was good news I can't get those words out of my head "It was a little girl".  A beautiful little daughter, a dark haired beauty that we will never meet.  I know what her name would have been, her and I would have shared a middle name.  I had a feeling that it was a girl all along but I can't say that it prepared me any more to hear those words.  I know that I would be grieving all the same if I found out it was a boy... it is just that knowing makes the loss all the more real. Before, we lost a baby, I couldn't really picture what they would have looked like because I didn't know if it was a boy or girl.  I didn't know the name... I couldn't really picture how they would have fit into our family. But now I KNOW... I know that we would have had boy, girl, boy, girl.  She would have shared a room with Tiana, I would have sewn for her, she would have had 2 VERY protective older brothers.  I see her being very much like her older sister.  
I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards in the grieving process... in a way I feel like I have had to start all over again.  I had just had 4 days without crying, I actually felt happy and in control... and once again I find myself crying, a lot.  I know it will be good, this time, I will be able to truly heal but for now... my heart is broken all over again.  It is good to know if we do get pregnant again.  I thought I was having a girl because I was not NEAR as sick as with Camden.  Next time around, had I not known, if I wasn't sick I would be SO worried that something was wrong.  Now I know that it is a possibility that it is a girl and nothing is wrong.
I realize that I have to get past this... right now I am stuck on those 4 little words (It was a girl).... that and WHY!?!  There was nothing wrong with her that they could tell.  I realize that she could have had a heart problem or the like... I HAVE to think that because really I don't know how I can wrap my heart and brain around the alternative.  That maybe nothing was wrong at all and it was something I did or something with MY body... I can't bear that answer.  I know that I don't have to understand why and it really isn't even my place to ask... it is something I have to get peace about again.  
They are doing more testing on me in another month... once my hormones have leveled out.  They will check for all of the common things that can cause a miscarriage... I really am hoping for an easy answer.  That being said, I am sure we won't get one!  The doctor said today that it is a possibility that we have had a nasty luck of the draw.  I guess if that is the case it is about time that luck turns our way!  So now, once again, we play the waiting game.  They put me on birth control until we can find some answers.
The good news is from all of this we have gained more acceptance that we can't control timing.  I can't give us a deadline to be pregnant by.  I have never wanted to big of an age gap because our first three are so close... that and I have heard quite a few complain about being so much younger than their siblings.  However, the further they are apart the more baby time I will get... besides there still won't be that big of an age difference between our oldest and youngest.  So we will wait for answers, and I will once again start the healing process.  I will grieve for the daughter I didn't get to meet and I will hold close the perfect daughter I do have.


Mama Moe said...

Oh, that's hard! A sweet little girl. Try not to blame yourself! I know that is natural (I've done the same). Hugs from us!

Becky Gonce said...

I'm so so sorry! to hear that it was a girl makes it more and more real. our love to you.

Twila said...

{HUGS}...and love