I guess lets start at the beginning... we have been trying to get pregnant now for almost 2 years. We miscarried in August at about 6 weeks... and while it was sad, we walked away excited because we could get pregnant again. Maybe, just maybe Camden's pregnancy wasn't a once in a lifetime experience. It takes almost 6 months after a miscarriage for my hormones to get all back to normal so we were SO excited when we found out we were pregnant again the beginning of April! As you can imagine we were so very excited!! We called the Reproductive Center to get started right away on progesterone and they started me on low dose aspirin to help prevent a miscarriage. We had such good feeling about this one though. I had some sick days but for the most part I felt pretty good! We got to see the doctor at almost 7 weeks and we saw the little heartbeat! I was so nervous for that appointment but everything looked wonderful. We measured about 3 days behind but Camden measured 3 days behind the entire pregnancy. The heartbeat looked strong so we started to get a little more excited... not quite so nervous. About 8 weeks I started barely spotting... not even enough to hardly call spotting. I was scared but I also remember doing the same thing with Camden. Camden had been a twin and we lost one right about that time so we always attributed my spotting to that... but maybe it was just my body!?! We went back into the Reproductive Center and had an ultrasound, I had been taking it easy and even put myself on semi-bed rest for a few days and the spotting had basically stopped. It hadn't been consistent or bad so we stopped worrying so much. The ultrasound showed a BABY... it actually didn't look like a peanut any more, it was a tiny little baby with a heartbeat! We were in LOVE and so encouraged that there had been growth! It was curled up a bit so we still measured a few days behind but the doctor said that it probably was a little bigger than it measured. Looking back I wonder daily if that should have been a warning sign... an 8 week old fetus doesn't need to be curled up. It was our tiny baby #4! We started actually talking about how excited we were to tell the kids and our family! All of my other miscarriages happened no later than 7 weeks so we had made it past the point of me really worrying. I still was only sick on days that I hadn't gotten enough sleep which was a TOTAL change from my pregnancy with Camden. I was sick every morning and evening through week 22 with Camden. This made us really wonder if we were having a girl... that would have worked out well since we had a girl name picked out. We didn't have a preference either way though, either way a healthy baby would have been a welcome completion of our family.
May 14th.... a day I will never forget. Our last ultrasound with the Reproductive Center. I woke up that morning not being able to shake a feeling of dread... I didn't really have any reason to have a negative feeling though so I ignored it. My spotting had stopped for over a week, I had a tiny bit Sunday evening before my ultrasound but I had also been VERY busy Saturday and got in trouble from my wonderful hubby because I had planted my pots and lifted more than I should have. In the back of my mind I remember thinking that the dread must be because if everything is ok I sure hope that I am not going to have to be really careful about what I do the entire pregnancy. HOW would I do bedrest if I had to with three kids!? But I told myself that we have lots of family and it would be ok. We would have our last child so it would all be worth it. On the way to the ultrasound we talked about the future, about names, about when we get to find out what we are having, how we would tell the kids if they were having a brother or sister, when we were going to announce we were pregnant and how. We got there happy, hopeful, excited to see our little one.... excited to see growth. Nothing....... no heartbeat........ just the shape of what had been our fourth child...... it just felt like a bad dream. We lost the baby days after the last ultrasounds.... it had been two weeks of carrying, loving and dreaming about this child we were SO excited for.... a child that was no longer alive. I remember thinking, I am NOT going to feel sorry for myself, I told Benji that I would say it ONE time and then no more, "ITS NOT FAIR". I said it once to him and once to my mom and I have tried not to think or say it again. We got home and I called my Doctor to do a D&C and found out that she didn't preform them... I had to go to another doctor. That in and of itself was about more than I could handle at that point. We had the D&C on Wednesday night and it has been slow recovery. I had quite a bit of pain (probably because of the laperoscopy that I had a few years ago for endometriosis, all the nerves remember the pain!) and had a hard time totally taking it easy. I can't stand just laying in the chair letting my Mom and Benji do everything for me, I guess I wasn't a very easy patient. I hate feeling this helpless. The pain has been lots better though... until I cleaned house top to bottom yesterday (NOT 100% yet I guess). Emotionally though it has been very rough. I can't sleep at night, I can be soooo tired and then lay down and I wonder what was wrong with baby, was it something I did, will we ever be able to have one again, do we try to adopt, will anyone even adopt to us... we have three kids already.... now much emotional energy do I have left to try either option!?! I called the Doctor on Tuesday and she called in a sleeping pill for me... I love them! ;) That sounds awful but they have allowed my brain to turn off at night so that I can handle those very same questions plus my little family during the day. Every single day I still have a moment when it hits me... today I was standing waiting for my pizza at Papa Murphy's and I happen to see my appointment card in my purse for my follow up appointment... which just so happens to be on the same day as our 12 week appointment was... the day after our anniversary... the day we got to tell people... immediately my chest got tight a lump formed in my throat and I was REALLY glad they were done with my pizza because the tears started flowing before I even got to the door. I hate that I can't control that.
My husband and family have been amazing, there are no words to express the thankfulness that I have for them for stepping up and allowing me to heal, physically and emotionally. For friends and family that have given me space, have been patient with me, have given me permission to cry, to grieve, to heal. For those who understand that there are NO words that can make this better but know that just showing they care is all they can do. I know I will get those that think, you have three kids, just be happy with that... I am very happy with that but I have thankful for those that understand our desire for one more. I have had more support than I could have ever imaged from family, friends, clients and perfect strangers. I have a lady that heard of what we were going through and saw that I have been sewing to keep me busy that is sending me some fabric that I liked. Little things like that make it so I don't feel quite so alone in this.
As for what we will do from here... that is what I have having the hardest time with right now. There are more question marks then answers... we have had 4 pregnancies and only one live birth.... technically we have lost 4 babies since Camden was a twin. That isn't very good odds. On top of that we can't get pregnant very easily. The doctor diagnosed me with habitual abortions... after you have had a certain amount you get that label. I had a really hard time with that one. It sounds so harsh, it really is nicer to think that I just have a hard time getting and staying pregnant. The positive of that though is insurance will help pay for genetic testing. We are really hoping for some answers on our follow up appointment. Until then, we are just hanging in there, taking one day at a time. I love having my kids around, they help me get through. We may only have three and that will be ok, I have three wonderfully amazing kids that I am thankful for every second of every day. While we would LOVE to have four we will just have to wait and see what His plan is for us. The waiting though... is the hardest part for me.
I hope this makes sense... it is a bit hard to proof read/type through tears but I have been wanting to get this all out into the open. I wanted you each to know that it is ok to not know what to say, it is ok to not talk about it, it is ok to give me a hug and just talk about our kids and life. It is better to totally ignore it ever happened then to accidentally say the wrong thing or to ignore me. I will talk about it if I want to and/or when I am ready. It is easier for me right now to just go about daily life just like it is normal then to cry when I talk to anyone and everyone. Thank you all for your love and support, we are taking it one day at a time and each day is slowly getting a little better than the day before.
I just have to add that there is one thing that I DO know. God's timing is ALWAYS best, He has proved this often to our little family. Even though I may not understand each test we go through, we do know that each time we look back and have been thankful because with that test came another unseen blessing or growth spiritually. While sitting here not knowing what the future brings, I can rest assured and have peace in the fact that it is in God's hand.... my responsibility is to be willing... and I pray for this daily.
I just have to add that there is one thing that I DO know. God's timing is ALWAYS best, He has proved this often to our little family. Even though I may not understand each test we go through, we do know that each time we look back and have been thankful because with that test came another unseen blessing or growth spiritually. While sitting here not knowing what the future brings, I can rest assured and have peace in the fact that it is in God's hand.... my responsibility is to be willing... and I pray for this daily.
